The World is Flat - WE SAY GOODBYE WHILST YOU SAY HELLO

THE WORLD IS FLAT

EPISODE: WE SAY GOODBYE WHILST YOU SAY HELLO

by

BEN HOSKING


FADE IN:
SCENE 1. INT. IN THE FRONT ROOM – DAY 1 [19:00]
BRETT AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH AND JAMES WALKS IN. JAMES (26), DRESSED IN COOL COMBATS AND T-SHIRT, SOUTHERN ACCENT. BRETT (27) IS AUSTRALIAN WITH A BLACK MULLIT, DRESSED SEMI NERDY IN AUSSIE RUGBY TOP AND HIKING BOOTS. BRETT’S GIRLFRIEND IS 30, POSH SOUNDING, DRESSED RATHER FRUMPILY.

JAMES
Hey Brett letter for you; Oh look Alan’s maths mag Vector has arrived, he will be excited.

BRETT OPENS THE LETTER AND JAMES IS SCANNING THROUGH VECTOR

JAMES (AMUSED)
Oh my god it’s got equation of the week, a jokes page! oooooooh yes, readers’ sums, this is like some kind of weird maths porn mag, thank god they haven’t got a readers wives section.

BRETT (STILL READING LETTER)
Wow that’s amazing

JAMES
What, maths porn? I think I will just stick to the tried and tested, naked ladies, they’re the figures I like.

BRETT
No this letter mate, it’s from my uncle, he’s engaged, oh bloody hell it’s a wedding list

JAMES
Wedding lists, the most unwanted of all letters, still you would want some presents for getting married

BRETT
Oh come on, Getting married isn’t that bad?

JAMES
Non-married chaps have fun down the pub with their mates. Married men aren’t allowed down the pub or to see their mates and especially not both at once.

BRETT’S GIRLFRIEND
Missing out on the pub is that it?

JAMES
No, there’s also the weekends, single people enjoy them, a few drinks, pub, cinema, footie, get lucky and you still have Saturday and Sunday. Married men spend Saturday’s on the nag and drag being towed by their wives around town clothes shopping and then rewarded on Sunday with a trip to Ikea or Homebase.

BRETT’S GIRLFRIEND
What about the plus points like sex on tap?

JAMES
Haven’t you heard the joke about what food kills a woman’s sex drive?

BRETT
Frey Bentos pies (nodding)

JAMES
That would do it, unless they were from Wigan but no, the answer is wedding cake. Before marriage, women are gagging for sex to make sure her bloke doesn’t stray, after marriage it’s Sunday mornings only.

BRETT’S GIRLFRIEND
Rubbish, except the bit about Frey Bento’s pies.

JAMES
Once a woman has the one ring to rule them all, the man’s trapped, then she slowly gets fatter and fatter and blames the man like he’s a bloody feeder.

JAMES WALK’S INTO THE KITCHEN

BRETT
Oh yeah mate there’s no milk left, you only gave me 70 pence and milk is 88 pence

JAMES (IRRATATED)
You could have bought it then I could give you the 20 big one’s now.

BRETT
Oh yeah right and double the amount you owe me to 36 pence, I don’t think so. 18 pence please.

JAMES
Okay okay, Can you break a 20?

BRETT
Yeah, I’ve got 2 pence here somewhere oh for god sake a twenty pound note, give it to me later

JAMES WALKS OVER AND GETS THE 70 PENCE

BRETT
Why don’t you give me that 20 pence

JAMES
I need that for the bus, right I’m off, catch you later.



SCENE 3. INT. IN THE KITCHEN – DAY 2 (7.30PM)
JAMES’S IS LOOKING IN THE FRIDGE AND ALAN WALKS IN. ALAN (27), DRESSED PLAINLY, A SLIGHT GEEK

ALAN
You aren’t drinking milk straight from the bottle again?

JAMES
Of course not, I wouldn’t do that, it’s disgusting

JAMES LIFTS HEAD UP FROM LOOKING IN THE FRIDGE AND HASTILY WIPES AWAY A WHITE MOUSTACHE

JAMES
Where have you been?

ALAN
I have been to a St John’s ambulance training course

JAMES
Aren’t St Johns dudes people who are too rubbish to be normal ambulance guys and equipped with just mints and plasters?

ALAN
No, we are volunteers who help out

JAMES (QUESTIONING)
Do you do it just so you can get into gigs free?

ALAN
No, we do it to help injured people and the community

JAMES
But what do you really do it for?

ALAN
That’s is the real reason

JAMES
Really, you should be careful, people are suspicious of people who are too nice, its not natural, Talking of not liking people, do you find Brett’s girlfriend annoying?

ALAN (THINKING)
Nooo, well a bit annoying, no she’s okay, she’s okay.

JAMES
She annoys me, she is a beast, no scratch that, she is the beast. She is like a walking talking Daily Mail, she hates common people, poor people, fat people, youths, single mums, rapists, you, people from Liverpool and especially Anne Robinson. She is always ranting to me and watching rubbish on my TV.

ALAN (SHOCKED)
You think she dislikes me?

JAMES (RANTING)
Oh yeah she hates you loads, said you were scum, She is always bloody here… TALKING, to me, Blah blah my family once owned a castle, gym slip mums should have their flaps tied together, etc etc.

THEY HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPEN

JAMES (PANIC)
shit it’s her, you occupy her, I’ll get the TV remote.

ALAN
What, how, why?

JAMES
I dunno, make a diversion, talk… castles

AS THEY ARE WALKING OUT OF THE KITCHEN THEY WALK INTO THE BEAST

ALAN: (AWKWARDLY)
Hello, I love castles and think gym slip mums should be sterilised

BEAST:
What the hell are you talking about?

THE BEAST WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN TALKING AND JAMES WALKS INTO THE LOUNGE AND SEES BRETT LOOKING AT THE TV GUIDE

BRETT
Independence Day is on at 9 tonight

JAMES
Bollocks to that, its like a crap Top Gun

BRETT
It the same as Starship Troopers and you like that

JAMES
Bollocks, Independence Day is a cheesy turd of a film whilst Starship Troopers is a parody of those films.

BRETT (OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T BELIEVE HIM)
Yeah, maybe you’re right mate

THE BEAST WALKS IN WITH A MUG OF GREEN TEA AND ALAN SITS NEXT TO JAMES

ALAN
I read today that Jesus was voted the most famous black person ever.

JAMES
When did Jesus become black? I thought he was dead? Has he come back as Ali G?

BEAST
Jesus was white with long hair and a beard

JAMES (WHILST SCANNING THE PAPER)
I don’t think a white beardy would be voted the most popular black person would they? I wonder if Mickey Jackson was on the list I’m not sure if he is white or black these days. Yes, a documentary on lesbian librarians is on tonight.

BEAST:
I don’t believe in lesbians there just made up to sell sad men’s magazines and fill channel 5 schedules.

ALAN, JAMES AND BRETT:
WHAT?

JAMES
First Jesus is black, now lesbians aren’t gay, what next Santa was a bearded lady boy?

BEAST:
I have never met a real lesbian, have you?

JAMES:
Errm No, what about gay men do they exist?

BEAST:
Of course, one cuts my hair, lovely man.

BRETT
I had a really good dream about lesbians yesterday

JAMES
Oh yeah, tell us more, spare no details

BRETT
I dunno I can’t remember it

JAMES
How do you know it was good then?

BRETT
Because it was about lesbians

JAMES
But you can’t remember it; it might have been about lesbians chopping off blokes dangly bits

BRETT
No they weren’t doing that

JAMES
How do you know?

BRETT
That wouldn’t have been a dream that would have been a nightmare
CUT TO:









SCENE 4. - INT. KITCHEN – DAY3 (19.30)
BRETT IS USING A LABEL GUN TO LABEL VARIOUS FOOD TINS ‘BRETT’S’. JAMES IS MAKING HIMSELF A HOT DRINK

BRETT
You’re not meant to put boiling water on coffee granules, it burns them.

JAMES
Good burn the bastards, wait a minute isn’t that the point of making a hot drink? What should I do then?

BRETT
You are meant to put water just under boiling point

JAMES
Bollocks you are, no one does that, do you?

BRETT
I never said I did it

JAMES SHAKES HIS HEAD AND THEN PICKS UP THE LABELING GUN AND STARTS LABELLING THINGS

JAMES
Cool, I once got a labelling thing for a birthday. I remember thinking it was crap, crying, labelling everything in sight, pens, shoes, toilet roll, the dogs, and then concluding it was still crap. How you likin it

BRETT:
Oh I’m still in the honeymoon phase

JAMES:
The bastard thing got me in trouble for accidentally smashing the neighbour’s window.

BRETT:
Accidentally smashed?

JAMES:
Well I was trying to throw a stone over the neighbour’s house, which didn’t quite make it over and smashed through their bedroom window. I ran off and couldn’t believe they knew it was me but my dad gave me some good advice.

BRETT:
Don’t throw stones at the neighbour’s windows?

JAMES:
No, If you are going to throw stones at people’s windows, don’t put your name on it.

BRETT:
That is bloody profound mate








SCENE 5. INT. LOUNGE – DAY 3 (20:00)
ALAN AND THE BEAST ARE WATCHING TOP GEAR, BRETT IS IN HIS ROOM ON THE COMPUTER, JAMES WALK’S IN.

JAMES:
Not Top Gear with that long twat Clarkson. Why do people watch a program about expensive cars you will never afford..

ALAN
Well it’s more about fantasy a sort of dream

JAMES
What kind of perverts fantasise about cars when you could be fantasizing about sexy ladies?

ALAN
Well you don’t fantasise about fat ugly women do you

JAMES
Who told you that I fantasise about fat birds, it was one time, I was really drunk, I’m not a chubby chaser (James points to Alan warningly)

ALAN
What I’m saying is we own average cars and average chicks but we dream of better things

JAMES
Yeah I suppose, so what’s a fat car (interrupted)

BEAST PHONE RINGS PUTS HER FINGER TO HER MOUTH

BEAST (TO JAMES)
Shhhhhh

JAMES LOOKS SHOCKED

JAMES
Don’t shhhh me (interrupted)

BEAST: (TO PHONE)
Miss Hunter Armitage, Executive File Manager, yes, yes, no, no I wasn’t asleep. You want me to go into the office and send an email to your wife saying you are working late, I could get your secretary, no, oh she is busy, oh busy with you. Okay right away.

JAMES WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN PUTS ON THE KETTLE ON AND ALAN FOLLOWS

JAMES
Aaah Mr Alan Gordon Denton terribly pleased to make your acquaintance. pip pip honk honk

ALAN
Mr James Rupert Bennett how are you old bean I was just made Executive Director of paper clips

THE BEAST STORMS IN AND COLLECTS HER HANDBAG FROM THE SIDE AND THEN STORMS OUT AND THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING WHEN THEY HEAR THE FRONT DOOR SLAM.

JAMES
The reason she is here all the time is her current housemate has asked her to move out because he hates her nearly as much as me.

ALAN
Really

JAMES
Well probably not as much but enough, perhaps if we both tell her we hate more would push the beast back, plus there’s two of us.

ALAN
That’s a bit mean she must be a bit down.

JAMES
Bollocks, she’s a fucking beast man and I for one wish the Aussie boy would throw the beast on the barbie.

BRETT WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN

BRETT
Chaps there has been some label tampering

ALAN
Oh dear what’s been done to the labels in question

BRETT HANDS ALAN A CAN

ALAN

BRETT has a hairy willie
BRETT has a small willie
BRETT has a small hairy willie
BRETT sniffs penises

ALAN
Clearly vandalised by someone with a penis obsession

THEY BOTH TURN TO LOOK AT JAMES WHO IS SCRATCHING HIS CROTCH

JAMES
I’m not obsessed by penises, excluding mine but that’s a rewarding obsession. There is one person I know who likes Aussie penises (looks at Alan)

BRETT
Alan

JAMES
No, your girlfriend you muppet.

BRETT
Does she? Well one’s gone missing

ALAN (NOT UNDERSTANING)
One Aussie penis has gone missing?

JAMES
You’re chick must have swiped it

BRETT
Wrong she doesn’t eat them it makes her itch

ALAN (CONFUSED)
Eating Aussie penises makes her itch

JAMES:
What! Everyone eats beans, especially vegetarians they have bean feasts and sausage made from beans, which seems wrong, meat eaters don’t eat meat shaped vegetables

ALAN:
Look Brett I’m sure the bean thief will replace the beans sometime this week won’t he James

JAMES:
Dunno ask the bean thief, who is probably a veggie.
CUT TO:





SCENE 6. – INT. JAMES’S ROOM – DAY 4 (19.30)
ALAN KNOCKS AND ENTERS JAMES’S ROOM, JAMES HAS THE TV ON BUT IS ON HIS MOBILE

JAMES (TO THE PHONE):
Where is it, everywhere, No you can’t buy a piece of it. What is it? erm, it’s like a million library’s but with pictures and videos and half of the books are hard core porn magazines, yep no problem I’ll set-up the internet next time I am home, yep see ya Dad.

ALAN:
Evening Jimbo why are you watching TV in here?

JAMES:
I just can’t sit in that room with them stroking each other, her making those horrible coeing noises

ALAN:
I haven’t noticed, come on cheer up I heard this great number joke today

JAMES
Piss off, numbers aren’t funny! Depressing if anything

ALAN
No listen, this joke is a cracker

JAMES:
It’s to late now because once someone has butted in during a joke, it has now elevated the expectation to an unreasonable level to which the joke will never achieve. So even if it was funny, it wouldn’t be now. So you can tell me the joke but I won’t laugh

ALAN LEAVES DEFEATED


CUT TO:
SCENE 7. JAMES’S ROOM – DAY 5 (17.30)
JAMES WALK’S IN AND SEE’S BRETT AND THE BEAST ON THE COUCH CUDDLING CONTINUES TOWARDS HIS ROOM AND HEARS THE TV ON.

ALAN
This is your fault; I never heard noises until you mentioned noises, now they are deafening me.

JAMES
She’s here every bloody day this week, like a turd that won’t flush. You need to get out there and break the turds back so we can flush her away. Go get a stick.

ALAN
I’m not very good with confrontation

JAMES
It’s the weekends that really get me, they don’t even leave the house, it’s like the scene from the Time Machine when the dude goes forward a million years and you just see the sun and moon going up and down and plants growing, wood rotting as the days pass.

SPEEDING UP SCENE OF BRETT AND THE BEAST SITTING IN ALL DAY, SUN GOING UP AND DOWN

ALAN (REFLECTIVE)
How did it come to this?

JAMES
Well I said let’s rent a flat together, the next thing I know we have to look for a house for 3.

ALAN
It wasn’t my fault; I tried telling him I was moving out, I said sorry mate, its time for a change I’m moving to other side of the city, a new start, then he said

JAMES
What, what did he say?

ALAN
He stopped to think for a second, I thought he was just taking in the devastating news but then he said, excellent idea, I think its time for a change.

JAMES
Well tell the bastard it’s time for another change, mainly him moving back to other side of the city.

ALAN (SLOWLY SHAKING HIS HEAD)
No I’m crap at things like that, he’ll take me with him

JAMES:
I know, try and pull his bird that will make him go

ALAN:
No way she would eat me alive, she’s a beast!

JAMES
Okay then lets steal things to drive him out or you try and make Brett dump the beast.

ALAN:
But what if he finds out we are trying to get rid of him, he might try and drive us out.

JAMES:
Well he is doing a pretty good job at the moment



SCENE 8 - INT. THE FLYING HORSE PUB – DAY 8 (20.00)
THE FLYING HORSE IS A DARK QUIET PUB INHABITED BY LOCALS. THE PUB IS DECORATED IN A MISMATCHED WAY OF OLD STYLE ADVERTS AND A 70/80’S ROCK POSTER. RHINE STONE COWBOY IS PLAYING, ALAN COMES BACK WITH TWO PINTS

JAMES
I saw this show yesterday where a priest thought gays were wrong because animals weren’t gay.

ALAN
Hmm, I’ve never thought about homosexual animals

JAMES
That’s probably a good thing, it’s crazy basing beliefs on the actions of animals, what if you saw me pissing in parks and rushing up to smell strangers’ arses

ALAN
I’d think, oh no James is drunk again.

JAMES
Good one stick boy

ALAN
What do you mean stick boy

JAMES
Basically I have done turds wider than you, I’m surprised you don’t get food parcels from band aid

ALAN
Just because you have got your winter padding in place, let’s invite Brett down the pub.

ALAN RINGS BRETT ON HIS MOBILE, JAMES IS PINCHING HIS BELLY TO TEST FOR FATNESS

ALAN
Hey Brettmeister, We are in the flying horse, come join us for a few cheeky ones. Why does it matter who else is here, I’m here and James

JAMES GRABS THE PHONE

JAMES
Come on you big Aussie poof, stop having cyber sex with supposed teen girls in chat rooms, who are probably just dirty old men like you.

JAMES HANDS BACK PHONE

JAMES
Al, get Brett a Stella

ALAN
Why me, it’s your round

JAMES
Shh, in the army you have to learn to take orders without questioning them. Lives may depend on it.

CUT TO
BRETT COMES INTO THE BAR AND WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE THERE ARE 2 FULL PINTS

JAMES (TIPSY)
Wahay, it’s your round booze hound, Stella please. We did get you a pint but we drunk it.

BRETT
Why did you buy Stella, I’ve told you, all lagers taste the same, Stella just costs more?

JAMES
Because it annoys you my good man

BRETT COMES BACK WITH TWO PINTS

JAMES
That was quick, good sharking at the bar. Have you ever been bitten by shark?

BRETT
Don’t be daft, you Pom’s are obsessed with sharks, you are more likely to be killed by a toaster

JAMES
What? Australians are surrounded by some of the most poisonous creatures on the planet and you lot are getting yourselves killed by toasters, fools.

BRETT
Toast reminds me of Uni, everyone used to set off the fire alarm burning toast. Me and my flat mates linked our computers together so we could play games and chat to each other without leaving our rooms

JAMES (SHRUGS SHOULDERS)

SO! Why didn’t you just talk to them with your mouth? Your house mates could have been famous. I read today that Paul McKenna has a gorgeous wife!

ALAN
So?

JAMES
Well that’s not legal; he has clearly been using his powers for no good. I bet wives of hypnotists always have the thought hmm I don’t remember getting married to him. Then she probably eats an onion like an apple and starts thinking the floor is burning hot.

ALAN
This woman hypnotised me with her breasts today, then told me to stop starring at them.

JAMES
Got busted taking a peak, busted, get it.

ALAN
No, well I was trying not to but they literally hanging out as she was wearing a wonder bra and a low cut top.

JAMES
It’s always struck me as a bit odd, women try and hit the zenith of their cleavage with what’s available and then call you a perv for innocently glancing at their breasts. Isn’t that the point of them?

BRETT
Yeah then they complain we are obsessed by breasts. Well I’m sure they would be obsessed by cocks if we were dangling in front of their face all day.

JAMES
Well if I didn’t get more sense out of women’s breasts I would personally talk to their heads.

ALAN
I bet women wouldn’t be so forgiving if blokes wore wonder pants aka sock down the pants. For the record I wouldn’t wear them.

BRETT
Al, leave the socks on your feet mate

ALAN
That’s the danger of the English language; you say one thing people automatically think another. Like if I say I don’t think about having sex with Brett’s mum.

BRETT (SHOCKED)
What, you want to have sex with my mum.

ALAN
See you are thinking the opposite. If I now say I DEFINITLY DON’T, go in your room while you are out look at picture of your mum and pleasure myself into your socks, whilst sniffing your girlfriend’s knickers

JAMES
Oh my god, you don’t go into my room as well do you.

ALAN (GETTING FLUSTERED)
No, lads I am saying I DON’T do these things

BRETT
But why would you say those things

ALAN
Exactly my point, the English language is very, very dangerous.
BRETT’S MOBILE STARTS RINGING AND BREAKS THE SILENCE

JAMES
Oh look out the mobile thumb has gone off, I predict Brett shall soon be departing

ALAN
That’s why I turn my phone off when I’m down the pub, I never get ordered back by the mobile thumb

JAMES
You don’t have a girlfriend, it can’t happen to you
BRETT HANGS UP

BRETT
Right lads I’ve gotta go the little lady has just put the dinner on.

JAMES
Hey Brett would you ever cheat on you girlfriend

BRETT
Yeah Mate but only with someone better looking

ALAN
What about someone in the pub tonight

BRETT (TAKEN ABACK)
Which one

JAMES (PUZZLED)
Anyone

BRETT
Which one do you think could compete with my Sheila

JAMES
All of them, anyone, even that big one

ALAN
Are you sure that’s a woman?

JAMES
Nope
BRETT FINISHES HIS PINT AND THEN GETS UP

BRETT
I’ll see you comedians back at the flat

JAMES (TO ALAN)
Spot one that’s better, I can’t spot one who is worse.




SCENE 9. - EXT. OUTSIDE A BLOCK OF FLATS – DAY 9 (02.00)
THE FLATS ARE OLD BUT IN GOOD CONDITION, SET IN A LARGE GARDEN. THERE ARE TWO SIMLAR BLOCKS NEXT TO EACH OTHER. JAMES IS DRUNK, HIS HEAD IS RESTING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR BELLS OF A BLOCK OF FLATS.

JAMES
Where’s number 4? why would someone steal it, BLOODY STUDENTS
JAMES STAGGERS BACK AND THEN LOOKS UP AT THE FLAT AND THEN THE INTERCOM, HE GETS OUT HIS MOBILE AND DIALS BRETT

JAMES
Brett, help me number 4 has gone, I can’t see it

BRETT
James it’s 2am, Alan was back ages ago

JAMES
We got separated; he run away from me

BRETT
That’s funny he said you just ran off, where are you?

JAMES
I’m in a place where I can’t see numbers, I think I have evolved and I don’t need such simple concepts

BRETT
Well what are you calling me for then?

JAMES
I am in front of the flat but I can’t see number 4. Oh why can’t we use colours instead of numbers

BRETT WALKS OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND SEE’S JAMES WAILING IN FRONT OF THE NEXT BLOCK OF FLATS

BRETT
Hey drunken man, come this way, follow the voice

JAMES
Oh my god I can hear voices, what should I do

BRETT (SHOUTING)
Follow the voice drunken man (into the phone)

JAMES WEAVES TOWARDS BRETT’S VOICE

JAMES (RELIEVED)
It’s all right Brett I found it, I can see the number 4, oh I’m so glad to see you again, you have always been my favourite number.

JAMES GET’S INTO THE BUILDING AND THEN CRASHES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND THEN JUST LIES ON THE FLOOR.

BRETT
How long have you been wandering outside the next block of flats?

JAMES
I don’t know what year is this, I couldn’t understand where number 4 had gone, where do numbers go?

BRETT
Right I’m off to bed, do you need to pointed in the right direction
JAMES IS ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR, BRETT HEADS OFF TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM.


CUT TO:
INT. THE BATHROOM – 7.30AM MORNING
BRETT TURN’S THE LIGHT ON IN THE BATHROOM AND LOCKS THE DOOR, PULLS BACK THE SHOW CURTAIN AND JUMPS SEEING JAMES IN THE BATH

JAMES
Arghhhh

BRETT
Arghhhh

JAMES
Who is it?

BRETT
Who is it?

JAMES
Stop copying what I say

BRETT
Okay

JAMES
Turn the bloody light off

BRETT
Sorry mate, why are you going to the toilet in the dark?

JAMES
I’m not on the toilet I’m in the bath

BRETT
Why are you having a bath in the dark?

JAMES
I’m not having a bath; I’m in the bath

BRETT
What are you doing in the bath?

JAMES
Well I was asleep until you turned the bathroom into a disco and woke me

BRETT
Why don’t you sleep in your bed?

JAMES
I couldn’t find my room, so I thought I would sleep in the bath as I knew where that was.

BRETT
Well look I need the toilet, why are your clothes in a pile, oh Jesus you aren’t naked in there are you?

JAMES
Of course I always sleep naked, you can use the toilet if you are quiet

BRETT
No way you’re naked!

JAMES
Don’t worry I’m using your towel as a blanket

BRETT
You filthy animal, you better wash it after you have finished with it. Get out of the bathroom, I can’t piss with you watching me.

JAMES
I won’t be watching you; I’m trying to sleep here

BRETT
No, you will still be listening; I won’t be able to relax. Anyway you need to get up to clear up the sick up

JAMES
What sick, what’s it got to do with me?

BRETT
Well you (pause) sicked it there

JAMES
No I didn’t, I wasn’t sick last night

BRETT
Come on mate, you were roaring drunk and it was right next to wear you fell asleep

JAMES
That’s no proof, did you see me being sick. It was probably Alan, the lightweight.

BRETT
Just get out there and clear it up

JAMES
I’m not cleaning that up, anyway I can’t

BRETT
What do you mean can’t

JAMES
Well I have a hangover where it only hurts if I move, so I have just got to stay still.

BRETT
Don’t worry I have a good hangover cure for you

BRETT TURNS ON THE SHOWER AND JAMES SCREAMS AND LEAPS UP




SCENE 10. INT. FRONTROOM OF THE FLAT - DAY 10 (23.30)
ALAN AND JAMES ARE TAKLING OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF THE FLAT AFTER DRINKING DOWN THE PUB

JAMES
Tell Brett using the management insult sandwich technique. Start with a compliment, pop in the insult and then finish with a compliment, everyone’s happy

ALAN
Shouldn’t it be called a complement sandwich?

JAMES
No the insult is the filling; what do you call a ham sandwich a bread sandwich?

ALAN
No I call a ham sandwich a …ham sandwich, Okay, Hey Brett good bushy 80’s Mullet, I think its time for you to move on, excellent hiking boots, they’re like mixing the best bits from trainers and boots.

THEY GO THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

JAMES
Pathetic, Brett, beast Were home, where are you?

ALAN (TRYING TO KEEP JAMES QUIET)
Shhh she doesn’t know she’s a Beast, can you hear moaning?

JAMES
Oh my god they are at it, that’s disgusting

ALAN AND JAMES WALKS TOWARD BRETTS DOOR, LOUD MOANING SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD

ALAN
Wow I didn’t know women made noise like that

JAMES
Women in porno’s don’t make that much noise. This is the final straw you better tell Brett.

ALAN
What that we have heard him shagging.

JAMES
Yes god damn it and we don’t want to hear it anymore

ALAN
We don’t?

JAMES
No it’s disgusting picturing his thingy thrusting into her scabby old thingy like a hungry womb ferret

THE DOOR OPENS AND BRETT COMES OUT
BRETT

Hey lads keep the noise down, err, me and the missus are trying to listen to a errm cd.

THE TWO ARE LEFT THEIR GOBSMACKED






SCENE 11. INT – FRONT ROOM OF THE FLAT – DAY 11 [10:00]
JAMES AND ALAN ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH THE TV ON

JAMES
Have you confronted Brett about his noise pollution?

ALAN
Sort of

JAMES
What do you mean sort of?

ALAN (CAREFULLY WORDING HIS ANSWER)
Errm I mean sort of as in not yet, I almost did this morning though, it wasn’t quite the opportune moment

JAMES
There is no opportune moment, it’s like being caught wanking by your mum, no one wants it to happen, I don’t know where I’m going with that, you get the idea.

ALAN
I’m not quite sure how to word it

JAMES
Just say Brett, we hate your girlfriend, we call her the beast and we heard her making horrible porn noises

ALAN
Okay, Listen Brett we have had enough of you and your girlfriend taking over the front room and making pleasure noises, please pack your bags and leave… within one calendar month.

JAMES CLICKS HIS FINGERS AND POINTS TO ALAN

JAMES
Go get em chump

BRETT COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM AND ALAN JUMPS UP NERVOUSLY

BRETT
Alright fella’s how it hanging.

ALAN
Well look Brett, erm, err James heard you last night.

JAMES (PUTTING HIS ARM ROUND ALAN)
We heard you.

ALAN
Yes I mean we err, heard you and your lady friend, well you know, making noise.

BRETT
Noise, what kind of noise, arguing?

ALAN
Erm, no,well you were having a bit of a moan

JAMES
Alan is trying to say we heard you shagging

BRETT
Ooh, what out here

JAMES
No in there, you haven’t done it out here as well

BRETT
Ahh sorry lads, I’ll try and get her to keep it down a bit but you know what it’s like.

ALAN
Oh no that’s fine, excellent that’s all sorted then

BRETT
So did it sound like she was having a good time?

JAMES
Alan said he thought she was faking it, I thought it sounded like someone punching a baboon.

BRETT
Ahhh look at this little jealous face, perhaps one day a girl will touch your winkie

JAMES
Mate women are queuing up to touch it. By the way it’s your turn to buy the toilet roll

BRETT
No way not until my missing can of beans is returned.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, ALAN GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR

JAMES
You are kidding me, beans are not vital supplies, you can’t compare bean and toilet roll, that’s not legal.

BRETT
Just replace the missing beans.

A BIG BIKER BARGES PAST ALAN

BIKER (TO BRETT)
Oh did you say you are missing some beans

BRETT
Yes

BIKER
Is your name Brett

BRETT
Yes why?

BIKER
And have you got a small, that doesn’t matter, right here are your beans

THE BIKER SLAPS THEM IN BRETT’S HAND

BRETT
Bonza, choice bro, how did you get my beans

BIKER
It seems some prat threw them through my bedroom window.

BRETT
I didn’t , I wouldn’t

BIKER PUNCHES BRETT ON THE EYE, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR.

BIKER
Glad I could return them to their rightful owner

THE BIKER WALKS OUT AND ALAN HELPS BRETT UP

ALAN
Why did you throw your beans through his window?

BRETT
I didn’t throw the beans, why would I throw a can of beans through a massive bastards window

ALAN
Why would anyone throw a can of beans through a big bikers window?

BRETT
I know why, if you were trying to throw something over the building, James do you know anything about this.

JAMES
You should have listen to my Dad’s advice, never put your name on something you are going to throw

THE BEAST WALKS IN THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR AND THEN IS SHOCKED TO SEE BRETT WITH A BLACK EYE

BEAST
Oh my god are you ok darling, what happen?

JAMES
Brett’s been fighting over beans again

BEAST
Oh my poor baby. Seeing you like this makes me realise how much I love you.

THE BEAST THEN GETS OUT A RING

BEAST
This ring used to be my grandmothers

THE BEAST GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE WITH EVERYONE WONDERING WHAT SHE IS DOING

BEAST
Brett, Brett will you marry me.

BRETT
Errrm

JAMES
Are women allowed to do that?

ALAN
Yes, anyone can ask anyone

JAMES
Fucking hell it’s not safe out there

BEAST
Well Brett, what’s your answer?

BRETT (COMPLETELY SHOCKED)
Erm, wow that’s unexpected

BEAST
Well?

BRETT
I need some time to think

BEAST (A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED)
Oh, okay, of course, I’ll go home and look at my wedding magazines, pick the dress, who to invite

BRETT
Okay, it’s just a bit of a shock, big step and all that.

THE BEAST GIVES BRETT A BIG SMACKER ON THE LIPS AND THEN LEAVES
FADE OUT.








SCENE 12. INT. IN THE LOUNGE – DAY 11 [17:00]
ALAN, BRET AND JAMES ARE SITTING IN THE LOUNGE, JAMES FILLS UP THREE MUGS AND PASSES THEM TO BRETT AND ALAN.

JAMES
So will you soon be Mr Brett, Henpecked husband.

BRETT
I dunn, what kind of idiot wants to get married in this day and an age

ALAN
Errm Your girlfriend

BRETT
It’s a big step, it’s limiting yourself to one fanny for life

JAMES HANDS BRETT A PILE OF LETTERS

JAMES
The postman gave me these letters today

BRETT
Some of these are 3 weeks old. Hey how come he always managed to deliver the bills?

JAMES
Ha, postmen, he probably thought these were birthday cards and had to check them for money

ALAN IS LOOKING AT JAMES, JAMES SHRUGS

BRETT
This one is from Oz, it’s from my mum. Oh my god. It says my uncle died…two weeks ago. Bloody hell he committed suicide, bugger I bought him a wedding present.

JAMES
The uncle who was engaged is dead?

BRETT
Yeah, I can’t believe it

JAMES
Sorry mate, are you alright, it’s okay to cry, although I would be better if you didn’t, I never really know what to do with a crying man

BRETT
I can’t believe it, this is bloody brilliant

ALAN
Its okay Brett, you are just in shock. Let the emotion breathe

BRETT
Oh my god I feel like crying

JAMES
Why did the uncle interfere with you when you small

BRETT
No, this is just the kind of excuse I need to go back to Australia and escape the bird and marriage.

JAMES
You want to escape from the beast!

BRETT
What Beast?

JAMES
Beast is a nickname Alan gave your girlfriend

ALAN (SHOCKED)
What..me, it was you

BRETT
What do you call her Beast for, it doesn’t matter, I am definitely too young to be engaged.

JAMES
Especially to someone who Alan calls beast

BRETT
I better pack my bags and book a flight

ALAN
What about your lady friend?

BRETT
I will just leave her a letter, it’s probably better if I don’t speak to her, she will probably start crying, making a scene, very embarrassing for her











SCENE 13. INT. IN THE FLAT – [17.30]
BRETT IS BRINGING HIS PACKED SUITCASE TO THE FRONT DOOR, ALAN AND JAMES TURN ROUND TO LOOK FROM THE LOUNGE

BRETT
Right I’m off. I was going to ask a small fee my food but I have decided to give it to you.

JAMES
So it’s poof and like that he was gone

BRETT
Something like that mate. If you boys can’t find a housemate, you could rent the room to my girlfriend

JAMES (ALARMED)
WHAT! NO FUCKING WAY

BRETT
Why not!

JAMES
She might propose to one of us now you’ve gone

ALAN
What James is trying to say is its important to get a good housemate; it won’t be easy to replace you

BRETT SHAKES ALAN’S HAND AND THEN JAMES’S, A TAXI THEN BEEPS OUTSIDE

BRETT
That’s me then, see ya fella’s. Can you give this card to my girlfriend when she calls round.

BRETT GOES OUT, ALAN AND JAMES GO TO THE WINDOW TO WATCH THE TAXI PULL AWAY.

JAMES
Fucking hell, what a bastard, I almost feel sorry for the beast, oh no I don’t (laughs). Look what he’s written. Gotta go to Australia, Have a good life all the best Brett. Man that’s almost the same as the xmas card he gave me.

ALAN
Yeah it is a bit harsh; she probably doesn’t deserve to be dumped like that.

JAMES
Yeah I could think of some much worse ways.

ALAN
There is a bloke at work who might be interested in Brett’s room.

JAMES
He isn’t about 40, always wears the same clothes, ponytail, smells musty and lives with his Mum who cooks all his meals and the only vegetable he eats are baked beans.

ALAN
No, he is about 28 and ponytail less, don’t know about the beans.

JAMES
Get him over and I’ll check him out. Mmm perhaps I should add something a bit more sympathetic

ALAN
I think you should leave it as it is

SCENE 13. INT. IN THE LOUNGE [19:00]
JAMES AND ALAN ARE INTERVIEWING A PROSPECTIVE TENANT, ALANS WORK FRIEND ROBERT HUNTER[28] 6T FOOT, DRESSED CASUALLY. ROB LOOKS SLIGHTLY NERVOUS

ALAN
James meet Rob, Rob meet James

JAMES AND ROB SHAKE HANDS.

JAMES
Howdy, Right do you have 2 references?

ROB
Yes, here they are

JAMES
Excellent

JAMES THROWS THE REFERENCES IN THE BIN

ROB
Aren’t you going to read them?

JAMES
Nah, references are all the same, trustworthy, responsible, blah blah blah, useless really.

ALAN
Anyway I vouch for him

JAMES
Vouch for him, don’t be gay. Okay down to it, describes your self in 3 words

ROB
What?

JAMES
2 left?

ROB
Passive aggressive

JAMES
What does that mean

ROB
Well it means I believe in peace and non-violence but will use violence to bring it about

JAMES
Mmm it sounds like a description and logic of a drunk, do you like a tipple of the old booze

ROB
I love drinking, especially in pubs.

JAMES
Final question, what would be a good house rule?

ROB
Ooo, not to shag other house mates girlfriends

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

JAMES
Good answer, get the door, if it’s a horsy looking women, give her that letter but don’t let her in.

ROB
Okay, wait she isn’t going to hit me or anything is she

JAMES
No no, well probably not

ROB OPENS THE DOOR

BEAST
Who are you? Is Brett there?

ROB
I don’t know, sorry

BEAST
You don’t know? who are you?

ROB
who are you?

BEAST
I’m Brett’s girlfriend

ROB
Who is this Brett?

BEAST
He’s my boyfriend

ROB
Well where is he then?

BEAST
I asked you that?

ROB (READS LETTER)
Ahh this is from Brett, probably for you

BEAST
What is it?

ROB
It’s a letter

BEAST
By Brett?

ROB
I’ve never met Brett, I may have met him without knowing it but does that really count as a meeting

JAMES (TO ALAN)
I like him lets give him the room

BEAST OPENS THE LETTER

BEAST
Oh my god it’s from Brett

ROB
Is there a picture I might recognise him.

BEAST
He’s left to go to Australia, The gutless bastard
THE BEAST BARGES PAST HIM AND SEES ALAN AND JAMES HIDING BEHIND THE COUCH

BEAST
Did you know about this?

ROB
Why would I know about it, I don’t even know Brett

ALAN
He just told us to give you the letter and that we had to find a new housemate, who you have just met.

ROB
So I’ve got the room

JAMES
Yeah, you have done well my son. (To Beast) He’s got a girlfriend just in case you were wondering

BEAST
Is this all Brett’s written, it’s like a Christmas card? Oh there’s some on the back but the handwriting is completely different.

JAMES
He was very emotional when writing that bit

BEAST
Sorry, I had to go because marriage seemed like a bad idea especially Saturdays with the nag and drag. Blah blah, you might not believe this my mum has become a lesbian, have a good one.

ROB
My sister’s a lesbian, she plays hockey, I wasn’t shocked when she came out, had a quiff bigger than Elvis’s.

BEAST
Damn you and your lesbians

THE BEAST STORMS OUT OF THE FLAT

JAMES
Ding dong the witch is dead, which old witch the wicked witch.

ROB
She was a bit of a beast. So which room’s mine then

JAMES
Al, show Rob his boudoir and give him the guided tour but don’t take too long, we have got some celebrating down the pub to do, its your round.

ALAN
I got the last round in

JAMES
In the army Al you have to learn how to take orders without questioning them, lives may depend on it.
JAMES DOES A ZIP IT MOTION